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Done looking…..

I have looked for a long time. For that one friend I can relate with, that friend I can share my ups and downs, that friend I can really talk to. I am done looking. I have three lovely sisters and I believe they should be my all time friends. I believe that they are that friend I have gone all round looking for. I did not see it before, but they are the friends that I never recognized. They are the non-judgemental girlfriends that I have wanted and yearned for all my adult life.

Truth be told, they will never screw me when I least expect it, they will never cause me pain knowingly and above all, they got my back at all times. Those are the friends that I have been looking. I have hoped from one friendship to another and it has become tiring, there is always something wrong. I began thinking something is wrong with me and I started recoiling back into me and telling me that I will never have friends because something is wrong with me. Really?

Hell NO! I am okay! Matter of fact, I am the best thing that can ever happen to anyone. I am Loyal, Friendly, Non-judgemental, Easy to be around, Easy to forgive and FORGET, Down to earth, Keep Secrets, Confidential and most of all AM ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU!

Is it so bad to want the same for me? Is it so bad to at-least expect that for ME? That is UNFAIR. To treat me with discord and go further and make me feel like nothing. That is so wrong. What WRONG have I done? Being there for YOU?

I am done looking. I am done being a “push over” – I put quotes because I am not a push over per say. I am just a plain nice girl. I do not know how to fight back, I do not know how to be nasty. I simply apologize and move on.

BUT NOW! I am done. I have my three beautiful sisters. And I am going to STOP and appreciate what I have. Its time I concentrate on the relationships that matter and concentrate on those who will not make it their sole purpose to put me down.

I am not looking for perfect, I am looking for companionship and complimenting. Just like a marriage, friendship is all about complimenting and companionship, a shoulder in good times and bad times. It is being there for one another.

I AM DONE SEARCHING.

xoxo

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The only way I Know how

I only know one way to expressing my moods.

I only have that safe way of showing how i feel.

That is the only way that I can reach into my heart without as much as a scratch.

That is my safe haven

The only way I can be me and no judgment

My only sense of freedom, peace,

That is the only way I can love and care for

The only way I can walk naked, and no one sees my nakedness

My only source of refuge,

My cover during the storm,

My protection when the sun is hot and scorching*

The only way I know,

The only way I want to know,

XoXo – Njura Njeru

 

 

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Dear Mr. Politician

This is where i still stand

Life facts

Hope you are well. (Who am i kidding?) You are well, apart from the toss and turns you have at night trying to figure out how you will get more money in your pocket by dethroning or maintaining the throne.

I am an average Kenyan. You say i am your boss and i hit my chest and say you are in that office because i said so. Interesting. As the boss, i have power to correct you and also sack you right? Well that is not the case. (who is fooling who?)

In addition to being an average Kenyan, i am also the same Kenyan you hire to fight my fellow Kenyan (you must think am stupid) i cannot blame you, i have shown you my weakness and you being the calculative and menacing being you are you use it against me. I am also the Kenyan whose brother, sister…

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Love Letter to Kenya ( My Love)

Darling,

I am stupid and thoughtless when it comes to you my darling. I have let you go to the dogs for years and it is happening again. I have given control to people who do not care for you My queen. What a shame. You used to smile back at me and now you are as gloomy as hell. You are not happy my love, you are hurt and broken, you are on your knees my darling, and i am to blame for your misery my darling. I have allowed them to deface you yet i have the power to stop them.

My Love, how can I remedy my mistakes? How can I return you to your glory self? I want to see you happy, I want to see the glow in your eyes again. My love, I will forever be responsible for the blood that you shed, I will forever be held at your mercy. I do not learn, the same people that hurt you are the same people I fight for. My love, show me the way, help me fix myself so that I can fix my mistakes. I have the power to stop them, yet i allow them to deface you and torture you. There us blood on you my darling and i helped them shed innocent blood on you, I know you are holding a grudge.

Sweetheart, I am about to make a decision in a few days or so, I am going to make the decision for you my queen and i will make sure that the decision suits you my love. Because you are my one and only. Where i call home. The love of my life. No other country is as pure as you are. I will return you to glory my darling. I will make you shine my love.

Rest assured that change is coming and it starts with me.

Xoxo

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Resolutions – This is me

SINCE the year started, I have been a roll of bitterness, anger, hatred and boiling blood, seeking vengeance and daring my tormentors to keep doing it.

I had a pretty rough 2016 and one of my many resolutions was ‘I will not cry anymore”. Just like many of us, none of my resolutions have been met. First quarter of the year is done and I am nowhere near resolution number one. Even the crying bit, i have cried and cried. Beats logic right?

Well, now I will reach all my resolutions. I can only do too much. I will go step by step and make me happy and thus be a ball of joy and glad.

Here is what I am planing to do.

  1. To be happy, I have to seek my joy from within, I have to be the source of my happiness. That is the only way. So this goal, as easy as it sounds, will start the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I will seek happiness and joy so that i can be a better mother and wife.
  2. I will spread my resolutions on a monthly Basis. This month I am working on Self Love and Happiness. April has 30 days and it happens to be my birth month, so the resolution is perfect for the month.
  3. Each end month i will sit and evaluate my resolution for that month and see how far I am and I believe with number of days in a month I will be able to reach all my resolutions.

You do nor have to have 12 resolutions, you can have 3 and word your ass off to reach them. All you need to put in mind is that you need to have realistic goals. Your goals need to be SMART.

In this life, we have to be the change we want to see in others. It has to start with me then those around me.

XoXo

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Inner Joy

I am struggling to find inner joy myself. Lets all be true to ourselves, are we truly happy? From the inside out? If Yes, then you know it is hard work and there are days you want to crawl into a safe place and forget the world exists. Life becomes a huge mess and you pray the earth to open up and swallow you whole. Right? Yeah. Been there done that.

How do we work on inner joy and inner peace? It is a continuous process that does not end any time soon till death robs us. It takes a tone of work and whole lot of sacrifice and discipline.  But we all know that we cannot reap what we have not sown. Work hard and reap hard.

Inner peace is a result of thinking before reacting, calculating our reaction to many situations, and knowing that every choice has a consequence. Inner peace is a result of positive thoughts. I know its like saying not to get angry or not being true to our emotions. No, when you find inner peace it does not make you immune to hurt, anger or breakdowns, no, it just makes you reflect on how you react to those emotions. It is knowing when to fight and when to sit and watch things unfold.

Inner peace guarantees a more informed reaction to different trigger emotions and also having consequences that we can stand by and say yeah i decided to do that and that is the result. Inner peace is a ticket to beautiful and fulfilling life. And the positive ambience we illuminate to those we touch in our lives directly or indirectly.

Let us all work for inner peace and tranquility.

Xoxo

Life as a whole

Exhausted

At times we fight battles that we are not even aware of. It gets so bad that we just feel, tired emotionally, physically and spiritually. The fatigue affects our well-being as mothers, fathers, wives husbands, sisters, brother or children. It wares us out and makes us moody and highly irritable. The slightest provocation is enough to throw us over the edge. We are snappy and can easily irritate those around us.

If we do not find ways of dealing with these invisible battles or dealing with the fatigue it causes, then we are in for a huge disappointment. Life will become a huge ball of disappointments, tears, blood pressure issue. We will die even before we see our future dreams coming true, we will not get to see our aspirations coming to be. It is a total waste of time, fighting battles that cannot be won, fighting invisible demons.

We need to find a way of letting go of all the negative energy in us. We need to know when to fight or flee. We need to know the worth of what we are fighting for and more so is it worth our energy? This is hard given that we fight these battles with so much gusto that we do not have the time to sit and watch from a distance and see what it is doing to us and our loved ones.

We need to have mechanisms that work for us and those we love. We need to stop creating a hostile environment for our loved ones in as much as they might be the cause of battles. We need to work on handling our anger and learn how to fight our battles calmly and silently, I know its like asking a snail to run a marathon, but we need to find a way of doing just that.

My mechanisms are reading and writing. What are yours. It does not need to be complex or highly important, it can be goofing around with your kids. Enjoying a swim alone. enjoying a drink alone. It can be as simple as watching the stars.

Find what does it for you and do it. Work on it. Be full of positive energy, for your own good and the good of the ones you love. We all know that positivity starts with us. If we have positive energy we emit positive energy to the people around you and with that your life changes and becomes a huge ball of happiness and joy. Yeah there is bound to be downs but if we can manage the downs we will always enjoys our highs.

Let us enjoy our lives. We deserve that and much more.

Be good and enjoy the weekend.

Xoxo